Aikido potpourri
by Ivana Soten

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning."
—T.S. Eliot

After my first aikido class I wasn't really impressed. Three months later I tried again and have never thought of quitting since.

Being a beginner is hard, there are so many questions I would ask myself every class. How do I become a better uke? I have never attacked anyone in my life so how can I "sincerely" attack? Am I spoiling someone else's practice and can/will anyone learn anything by practicing with me? Why do others hesitate to correct me? Are they waiting for me to ask? Should I interrupt my practice to ask for help?

And, of course, the rolls. I was banging my shoulders, my back, my head, all because my arm was collapsing. I know why it was so hard for me. The way we roll reminds me of how I broke my arm a long time ago. But just knowing the reason did not help me overcome the fear. My breathing was completely off during the roll, my body stiffened and arm collapsed every time. After falling down 99 times, I believe we should keep getting up, so I kept on trying.

In the first couple of months aikido was more challenging for me than anything else. But, at the same time, it was an oasis where competition is not the "spice of life" and getting a Nobel prize is not a goal of life (and that is the environment I'm in every day for at least 8 hours). I feel very alienated during those 8 hours but the moment I step into the dojo and look at the faces of my fellow aikidoists there, I feel we have something very important to share, some unspoken mutual understanding that makes me feel good. I remember how many times various people have tried to show me or explain to me how to roll (and I am eternally grateful for that). For a moment my rolls would improve but soon I would be back almost where I started. I realized I have to do it on my own just like with any other learning process.

Having my husband Branislav in the classes the first couple of months was the best thing that could have happened. His presence made me less nervous (at that time I was completely lost) since he was the only nonstranger there. He didn't have to worry how I would feel if he corrected every single thing because he knew I wouldn't mind. The quality of our lives has improved since we started with aikido, not because we have now something else to do together and share, but because of the satisfaction and happiness that practice gives to us.

I don't know if my increased self-confidence has anything to do with aikido but it certainly helps in everyday life. During every practice I learn and I learn how to learn. And the best thing: I get to learn with Branislav and all of the wonderful people at the dojo.


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